On our first "date", boyfriend and I decided to go to Erindale Park, which is a big, big, park with lots of trees, a big river, magical things, and unicorns.

We went at night because we're brave souls like that and obviously there would be no creep waiting to ambush us in the middle of a big, dark, empty park, right? Wrong.

We were walking on the bank along the river, happily chatting and oblivious to the world around us, trekking downstream to an isolate part of the park. Suddenly, we heard voices coming towards us. The voices of big, shady men. Frightful, boyfriend and I crouched behind a wall of tall plants and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, we heard the sketchy voices begin to recede and we bolted away from the sounds of the fading voices, back along the way we came.

After speed walking for a few minutes, boyfriend suddenly flung his arm out in front of me. Skittering to a halt, I happened to look down on the ground and there it was, lying on the ground, positioned right underneath my future footstep, eye boring right into mine. A ginormous, dead, grotesque looking, fish.

Yes, a huge, dead, fish. I can in no way, describe how big and how dead this fish was to accurately project to you the disturbing image of this creature. Rest assure however, it was big, it was dead, and it caught me so suddenly by surprise that I couldn't help it, I screamed and clung onto boyfriend's arm.

Shivering with adrenaline and boyfriend trying to calm me down, I peered at the fish. It stared right back at me with it's cold, dead, fishy eye.

Without warning, something inside of me snapped. Once again, I screamed. This time, a war cry. Enraged, I picked that gigantic, dead fish up by its tail and spun it around in circles. Whipping out a Zippo, I lit the fish on fire. Boyfriend and I enjoyed a beautiful inferno display and a nice, after dinner snack of grilled fish. However, this was promptly interrupted by the fish's mate which leap out of the river, gnashing it's ferocious fish teeth at us, thus ensuing the beginning of an all out war between myself and all fresh water river fish.

Yeah, I wish this story ended that spectacularly. The real incident was a lot more anti-climatic. After screaming and making boyfriend lose circulation in his right arm, I calmed down, stared at the fish for a minute or two, stepped over it and proceeded on my way.